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Disturbing Workplace Poetry

On behalf of JobSchmob.com, please enjoy these poetic displays of affection for workplace stereotypes. Print them out and leave them where you need to.

  • Ahh yes, the boss. At first, we found it difficult to speak of a boss in poetic terms, but then somehow the prose just seemed to ooze like puss out of a leper.

    Ode to My Boss »

    by Marty Forreal

    Oh boss, oh boss, you boss of mine
    Truth be told…I think you’re swine
    Each week you make Carol in Accounting cry
    Then you fool HR with a lie

    Oh boss, oh boss, oh boss that I hate
    Management obviously thinks that you’re great
    But they don’t see what we endure
    You’re frequent piles of fresh manure

    Oh boss, oh boss, when you talk no one listens
    The drool on the side of your face…it glistens
    You’re a blithering idiot without any worth
    And I won’t even mention your rear end’s girth

    Oh boss, oh boss, you’re way overpaid
    You must’ve put on a damn good charade
    When they hired you they must have been needy
    Why else would they hire someone so seedy

    Oh boss, oh boss, you don’t even do your job
    You walk around this place like a stuck-up snob
    Day after day I take calls from your wife
    Get a freakin secretary and stop causing me strife

    Oh boss, oh boss, you know it’s the truth
    And you’re lucky my name isn’t John Wilkes Booth
    Funny thing how this “job thing” works
    We all seem to end up working for jerks
  • Ladies and gentleman, we sincerely hope this one doesn't hit as close to home as it does for us. But sadly, we're afraid it might.

    Ode to My Cubicle Neighbor »

    by Marty Forreal

    Oh neighbor, oh neighbor, oh neighbor of mine
    As far as I know you think things are fine
    You come in each morning and plop your butt down
    Without realizing you cause such a frown

    Oh neighbor, oh neighbor, oh neighbor so true
    You sneeze like an elephant sick with the flu
    And how can I explain the odor you emit
    Ejected directly from underneath your pit

    Oh neighbor, oh neighbor, oh neighbor next door
    You make unidentified noises that rumble the floor
    I cannot determine if it’s a song you are singing
    Or wailing in pain from a porcupine stinging

    Oh neighbor, oh neighbor, oh neighbor by force
    I wish you hadn’t eaten that second course
    Because now there’s an odor I know very well
    It shows up each time you’ve digested Hormel

    Oh neighbor, oh neighbor, oh neighbor about who
    I haven’t an inkling of what it is that you do
    You yak on the phone to family and friends
    Ragging on how much your coworker spends

    Oh neighbor, oh neighbor, oh neighbor divine
    It seems that you've finally crossed the line
    Each day I think that I am going to scream
    But I hope that I won’t go to that extreme.

    Oh neighbor, oh neighbor, oh neighbor my friend
    The time has come that I can no longer pretend
    This cubicle wall offers me no protection
    I am left to sit and just bitch in your direction
  • If you don't know a person like this, perhaps you ARE the person like this. Yeah, that's right, you heard us...

    Ode to the Workplace Gossip »

    Oh gossip, oh gossip, gossipy girl
    You relate the new rumors through the mill
    You add your own details to make it more juicy
    You describe Jan in Claims as "just a bit loosey"

    Oh gossip, proud gossip, you've lost all our trust
    Because you've turned our reputations to dust
    You bend over backwards to get a good morsel
    You’re worse than a shark with blood on its dorsal

    Oh gossip, great gossip, you're the best at the game
    You're not out for blood; you're out to maim
    You're the first to report our relationship woes
    And you can't wait to out the latest office foes.

    Oh gossip, oh gossip, someday you'll pay
    Despite what you said, the VP ain't gay
    You may get a written warning this time
    But everyone knows that you’re certified slime

    Oh gossip, poor gossip, you'll do whatever it takes
    To get the latest dirt no matter what is at stake
    The news of the downsizing got to you first
    The day you found out, we all thought you'd burst

    Oh gossip, oh gossip, you're on permanent probation
    But we’ll all still treat you like Grand Central Station
    When entertainment's low and we need a fix
    It’s you who'll we'll throw right into the mix
  • Every building has one...here's a "tribute" to the loathsome lovebirds.

    Ode to the On-the-Job Couple »

    Oh on-the-job couple, you’re so sweet
    You believe that everyone thinks you’re so neat
    You’re quite a bit blinded by your new love
    Or else you’d see that it’s you we’re sick of

    Oh on-the-job couple, you’re basking in bliss
    You sit in the breakroom at lunchtime and kiss
    We can’t sit in there with you because we feel queasy
    Your kissy-pooh talk is so god damn cheesy

    Oh on-the-job couple, you pair of geeks
    We knew it’s been going on for weeks
    You told us yesterday that you just started dating
    But last month we saw you in the conference room---mating

    Oh on-the-job couple, did you really need to “make it official”?
    How in the world could that be beneficial?
    Oh we get it…it gives you permission to make us puke
    And somehow it “proves” that your love’s not a fluke

    Oh on-the-job couple, we’re really not jealous
    But a staff meeting’s not the place to be so zealous
    You see us as bitter, unsympathetic gabs
    But we’re afraid you might give each other crabs

    Oh on-the-job couple, you said we could come to the wedding
    But the guys in the mailroom are already betting
    By the end of summer you’ll be all used up
    And we’ll have to take sides when you’re broken up

    Oh on-the-job couple, please spare us the grief
    If you could stop this now it would be a relief
    But if you persist, we’ll have to suck it up and buy it.
    But dammit we were hoping for some peace and quiet
  • Achoo! Boo hoo! Whoa is me! Gimme a freakin break... Print this out and stick it in their kleenex box or under their tube of Aspercreme.

    Ode to the Workplace Hypochondriac »

    Oh want to be sickie, you know it's not true
    You never came down with a case of the flu
    You pretended you did so we’d all gather round
    Instead we sat there thinking how tightly you're wound.

    Oh want to be sickie you're not fooling us
    We saw you this morning when you got off the bus
    You looked fine and dandy strolling to work
    But apparently your symptoms, they seem to lurk

    Oh want to be sickie you turn it on easy
    You come here to work and start to feel queasy
    It must be Malaria or West Nile Virus
    Either way, your melodramatic crap just tires us

    Oh want to be sickie, stop crying "boo hoo"
    We really don't care what you think is plaguing you
    Is it spinal meningitis or typhoid fever?
    Or maybe you got bit by an African beaver?

    Oh want to be sickie, we don't give a damn
    We all know you're just a disturbed little ham
    We don't need to hear the details of your puke
    Or to hear that you think the diarrhea's a fluke

    Oh want to be sickie, next time we hear it
    We're going to tell you to shove it and smear it
    We're not listening to your symptoms or self-diagnosis
    Please just get help for your long term psychosis!