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CEO Cheat Sheet
Hey all you real and prospective CEO's, CIO's CFO's, CTO's and COO's! Have dreams of power and money? Wanna be "top dog" at a company and have people do exactly as you say? We, at JobSchmob.com, feel your desire and want to help you make it!
We're here to help you, Mr. CEO Type Man! So, check your heart, soul and code of ethics at the door and follow these simple tips below to be the best damn Chief Whatever Officer you can be.
- Fit the mold and believe the hype. Read CEO Magazine, CEO Journal and Chief Executive Magazine.
- Get that extra "oomph". Wear inserts in your shoes to make you appear taller.
- Learn to stop acknowledging anyone two levels or more below you when you pass them in the halls.
- Drive an expensive car and charge it to the company.
- Dish out a disgusting amount of stock options for yourself.
- Start firing the people immediately below you and hire your friends.
- Create unnecessary positions with important sounding titles for your friends.
- Start referring to the people in your company who do the business critical work as "resources" or "headcount".
- Fly first class…you deserve that cushiony seat!
- No matter how well your company does, continually remind your employees that there is more work to be done and then slash their bonuses.
- When slashing employee bonuses, find a creative way to retain and increase your personal bonus. Try camouflaging it behind other expenses, such as a "Global Strengthening Fund".
- Cut your employees' benefits but make it sound like you're doing them a favor.
- Stay technologically challenged.
- Learn to gesture a lot with your hands. It makes it look like what you're saying has meaning.
- Learn to lie well.
- Pay yourself an outrageous salary that's directly proportionate to how hard you work. Justify it by telling yourself that you realistically work 100 times harder than your average employee does.
- Blame other people when things go wrong and take credit when they go right.
- Ignore the failures of other companies and the economy of your country---outsource or offshore your employees. It'll feel GREAT!