I started a fart
That got the whole office stinking,
But they didn't see,
That the fart was from me.
I started to sniff,
Which started the whole office laughing,
But they didn't see,
That the fart was from me.
I looked at the boss, running his hands over his eyes,
He sat at his cube, hurting his head from the smell that I'd made,
'Til the smell finally died, which started the office sighing,
oh, if they'd only seen
That the fart was from Me.
By sphincter Detector:
Get a sense of humor.
By Sphincter Detector:
..think you're the one who needs a better sense of humor. This is grossly retarded.
Farts are funny. don't you watch the cleveland show?
By Sphincter Detector:
Cleavland show is way funny. Know why? context.
LOL. hey it happens in every workplace too. you remind me someone. LOL.
They say parody is one of the highest forms of flattery.
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Given that we are under budget cuts (like may other companies) I played on that fact.
Today I posted two signs "Due to budget restructions, we are no longer supplying toilet paper; Please use your own resources," one on the men's and one on the women's restrooms.
Just about everyone knew it was an April Fools joke except the managers!!! One took the sign serious and really believed that we were cutting TP only to later reailze it was an April Fools joke.
But here's the catch ... I did the same thing (same exact sign) LAST YEAR!!! And I was STILL able to fool management!!! How much of a dim-wit can they be? It's no wonder that I am considered a threat to management!Read 1 Replies | Add a ReplyComments:Close Replies
management in general seems to suffer from long term memory loss or a collective syndrome resembling alzheimer; and that's why they recycle bad unworkable ideas over and over again. they forget negative results.
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I have two phones on my desk, one is used for internal business calls and the other one is a separate line that somehow managed to be left in my office. When I first moved
into the office I mentioned the other phone to the guys handling computer stuff but they never got around to moving it so I have two phones.
The second one doesn't even have a phone number written on it but by dialing my cell phone I was able to retrieve the phone number and even managed to get into its voice mail system so I handed this phone number out to family and friends.
Somehow, this phone number managed to make it on the telemarketer list and I have been getting calls from people trying to get me to refinance my house or get a credit card or buy gold.
Lately I have been having some fun with them.
Phone Rings (Quick look at display tells me I have no idea who this is.)
Caller (Speaking Fast): Hi! I am calling on behalf of amalgamated car service inc and we are just calling to let you know that your warranty is up!
SP: Oh really? Well the Mercedes is four years old now and I was just telling the wife the other day when we were at the jewelry store that we either need to get a new one or with the economy the way it is, renew the service contract. I'm glad you called!
Caller (Voice a little higher pitched): Oh? Well sir we can help you with that! Lets just get started right away!
SP: OK, let me just get my wallet...oh DARN IT! (I bang the receiver on the desk) OW! (Slam desk drawers) Shoot! I dropped the pho...!
Then I hung up.Read 6 Replies | Add a ReplyComments:Close Replies
SP you're such a stinker! XD
That's kinda like what I do with telemarketers.
1)Prank 1: Listen to their spiel, then say that you're interested. Then tell them that you need to get your wallet to get your credit card. Put the phone handle down. Then leave them hanging. See how long it takes for them to sit there before they disconnect.
2) Prank 2: Listen to them and then say that you're a salesman for handsfree phone received designed to reduce body stress. Act like a salesman and pitch your fictitious product and try to get them to buy it. They will hang up on you! LOL!
We had a phone like that in another office. The lady in the office wouldn't answer it because they were always a wrong number. I explained that she could have fun with it!
Just then the phone rang. "Ello! Paco's Peezzzas! We Deeliverrr!" I said. The caller asks for "Joe" "Sorry butt no Joe heere! You want to Order peeezza?" The guy on the other end asks for "Joe" again so I go back into my spanish act again - "No Joe here!" Want to order a peeeza?" The guy sounds confused "Is this a pizza place?!?" "Si, want to order a peeeza?" HE says "no" and hanges up.
And if you think THAT is bad! I told my friend if someone calls again to tell them that it is the city morgue.
Sure enough, a week later the phone rings and she goes into the "City Morgue" mode! SHe even invited the caller to come down to 'view' their friends body for identification!
We get a lot of calls begging for donations for fake 'charities', even though we're on the do-not-call list. This one was for Vietnam Veterans. I'm married to one of those, so I started to grin and chat nicely with the telemarketer, and when he got to the end of the spiel asking me how much I could give, I said cheerfully, "Oh, that's wonderful to hear ! My husband is a veteran and we could really use the help. How do we go about getting some assistance ?"
*Click* went the phone.
When they ask for a name, I say, "Oh, wait a minute, I'll get...." and then I put the phone down. And sometimes I pretend it's a friend of mine playing a prank on me, and say, "Oh, come on Tony, knock it off, man ! You and Mary going to be at the bowling tournament tomorrow ? Stop playing around !"
With an extra line like that you could even run a side business from your office a-la early Dilbert cartoons...
I regret to say this one is kinda of bad but if you wish read on. I got a call from a telemarketer offering time shares in another state, I listened politely and asked the usual questions. Like shopping areas, recreation and parks and near by schools. then I asked if the residence would be considered a secondary residence he replied no after enthusiastically answering all of my other question, so I asked the final question. "considering this is a secondary residence, would I still have to register with the police as a sex offender?" he got quite , said he would have to ask someone and would call me back . Still waiting lol.
Also stopped getting calls from them :)
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This goes out to everyone whom loves to borrow other people's stuff but does not like to return it! I have this one co-worker whom keeps borrowing money, tokens for transportation, coffee cups and just recently--my dictionary. I approached her to return the dictionary and she denied that it was not mine. When I pointed out I wrote the name of my section on the inside, she finally gave it back. This woman should be ready to retire! She's been with the company for over 33 years and still lives in the 1970's! What also burns me up is that she makes a good penny and acts as if she's broke all the time. To teach her a lesson, I placed a phony transportation token in her desk drawer. I noticed it was gone the other day and wish I were a fly on the wall to see what happened! She's so stupid she did not even notice it was a phony token!
Yes I am Slick!
Dude, you're not Milton from Office Space are you? I promise I won't borrow your red stapler.
Your coworker is annoying. I had a coworker like that. He'd borrow stuff without asking and without letting you know.
I had to finally confront him with it and tell him not to go into my desk and borrow things without checking with me first. It got ugly and we had to escalate to his manager and my manager. I think he was told to stop digging around my cubicle.
He finally got the message....but he just stopped "borrowing" from me. He goes around and borrows things from others like it's no big deal.
Funny thing is, he's not a popular guy and a very poor performer. He's tops on a future layoff list and he goes and does things like this, which don't endear him to others.
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Ever gone to a bar where they ticked you off? Is the place too cheap that they water down your drink? Want to get back at them with very little effort of your own? Then I have the solution for you!
The tools of the trade ...
Grab a few cardboard coasters (make sure they are all the same) and take them home. Make sure that these coasters are 'new' and unused.
At home, take a sharp exacto knife and carefully split the coaster in half like two slices of bread. The additional coasters are for re-dos in case of errors splitting the coaster.
Take a newly minted $20 bill, folded so that it will easily fit in the middle of the split pieces of coaster.
Carefully glue the two pieces back together and let dry.
Here is where the fun begins!
Take your "special" coaster in the bar with you and while chatting with a fellow bar-fly mention that the coaster advertiser (Coors, Bud, etc.) is having a special promotion on their product and has hidden money in the coasters. Grab a few coasters and rip a few apart. (You had already slipped YOUR coaster in the stack) You get to YOUR coaster and rip it in half ... "HEY everyone!!! I won $20!!!"
Now sit back and watch the crowd go though the coasters like a chainsaw going though melted butter! By the time the night is though there won't be one whole coaster left in the place!Read 4 Replies | Add a ReplyComments:Close Replies
That is brilliant. Any time I have been out for revenge at a bar I am usually too drunk to come up with anything that clever. Then I forget why I was so ticked off by the time I sober up.
seem to remember that somebody did this to a library some years ago. don't know if they ever managed to glue the valuable book collection together again. so folks think before you set an evil plan into motion.
We are not talking about books!!! They are those coasters you find at any bar!!! But unless you have a rare cardboard bar coaster collection we don't know about ... we could have a party over to YOUR house!
Sounds like a trick I used to do with 'the new students' when I was taking Computer science classes during the days of 5 1/4" disks.
(Yes I know that has been a while)
The PC's we programmed on had two disk drives and I would keep a disk in each drive. I would save my work on one disk, put it safely away, and wait for a new victim to sit near me.
Once my victim was in place I would make a show of taking the other disk out, fold it and stick it in my pocket.
Almost every time the victim would go "Hey! You can do that!" and I would reply SURE and walk off.
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This afternoon some of us guys were talking sports. The topic turned to steroids and athletes. Then the talk turned to the bad side of 'roids. We then started about how Lyle Alzado was physically distroyed buy 'roids.
My supervisor "R", who was in the conversation the whole time stated that he doesn't take anything stronger than Flintsone vitamins.
I then warned him that even with Flintstone vitamins you have to be careful! He had this puzzled look on his face. I explained that if he took too many "Bamm-Bamms" that his "Pebbles" could shrink!
You should have seen his expression! First his jaw dropped, his as big and round ... then a HUGE grin on his face ... "You got me CK!!"Read 4 Replies | Add a ReplyComments:Close Replies
By avid reader:
I hate to admit that I laughed out loud when I read this!!! Good one! And without missing a beat!
I remember when Lyle went on a talk show to talk about the dangers of steroids right after his health issues became public.
That big man looked so sad it depressed me. Poor guy, he just wanted to play again.
You're right SP. But roids, if under a doctors care would sure be better. After all, Arnold, Lou, and many others used with little to no sides. But those days were low-dose. I hear today they stack and many time don't even know what they are taking (black market).
Well, THOSE Bam-Bams will shrink their pebbles!
It'll also cause severe constipation, severe acne, connective tissue degeneration.... you name it. You literally come apart into peices like jerk chicken. I've read some whopper stories...
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I sometimes like to mess with people's minds from time to time - harmless little stuff. I am thinking of writing a very professional letter to "C"-level officer requesting him to write a letter of recommendation for my applying to a local university for a Doctorial degree.
I can hear it now, slipping out among the other upper anusknots that seek to put me down ... "What the h3ll? CK working to become a PhD?!? F**k! We have to try to find him an even LOWER position! We can't have someone smarter than us!"
Truth of is that I am tempted - just tempted mind you to really do this - go back to school! But 1) haven't talked to the boss (my wife). 2) Need to find out how much it costs. 3) If I can get company reimbursed and last 4) Be accepted into the Doctorial program.
But right now I am studying for a certification. Once I get past that I plan to continue my reading (and taking notes). From my notes, others have been encouraging me to write a book. Now I KNOW that no one at work have ever written a book!
Will I freak them out or am I just a freak just for wanting more? I have a few people at work encouraging me to write and now that I told them about my thoughts on obtaining a Doctorial degree they are encouraging me to pursue that as well (easy for them to say that!).Read 11 Replies | Add a ReplyComments:Close Replies
CK, you said it right - check with "the boss" first. After that conversation, you need to go after what is meaningful to you. You have so much to offer, and so much enthusiasm to keep going. Don't let that be stifled and shut down. Speaking for myself, I have ended up shutting myself down from reaching for further endeavors that would be both meaningful to me (personally and professionally) and useful to resume. The grind has sucked the life out of me, it feels like these days (or is that just another cold, northern winter?). I hate that I feel no enthusiam anymore, and I would hate to see that happen to you. I really encourage you to pursue a doctorate. Aside from what it could do for you professionally, the personal satisfaction and sense of accomplishment would be out of this world! Go for it!
CK, I'm with bookwoman.
I've also thought about getting an advanced degree. Maybe an MBA. But I know it's going to be a lot of work and suck out a huge amount of time -- I know friends/coworkers who pursued an MBA while working and they said that it was hectic.
You don't have children (I don't think). As my friend told me (and he has 3 children) -- it's much easier to go to school (for whatever degree) when you don't have children.
It might not be your last chance to get a PhD but it's your best chance to get one.
Hey Bonus - A B.S. has become the new standard - almost everyone had one - If you want an Masters Degree then do it! I have known peole with kids still go for their Masters and graduate!
Sure an MBA take time and you would need family support and understanding - first and foremost! But if you just take it one class at a time you can do it! That is what I did - one at a time while I worked full time!
But I will tell you this - the Capstone is hell! I worked almost full time on that AND have a full time job!
But here's the thing ... If I do or not got for a Doctorate I would STILL freak out the big bosses at work with just them knowing that I am advancing beyond anyone else and for the fact that they have me positioned in the lowest possible position they can find! (that is out of jealousy, revenge, and spite)
It will also paint a "pretty picture" to EVERYONE else of the wrong that management has wrought. There have been a lot of people who have asked me why I am in the position that I am in and why. I just respond by not responding and let THEM figure it out on their own.
Anyway, the Doctorate that I am looking at is a Doctorate in Business (and I am going to point it out to the BIG boss) with a focus in "Leadership" and "Change Management" theory. I don't think the university has "Leadership" and "Change Management" as part of their program but I want to push that thorn deeper into management's side!
you are just the type of person to get a PhD. I work with them and let me tell you about walking on eggshells! They are a lot of fun to mess with, most of them, not all, are very insecure intellectually. However, I still like most of them because they give me so much material for my stand-up routine. I am not joking either! You should see the fights that break out amongst them! Hee hee! I am not joking when I say I have been reduced to tears over their antics. I mean I laughed till I cried!!
All joking aside, make sure you get your PhD from an ivy league college or else you will just be a tear drop in a sea of them. PhD's are a dime a dozen and good for nothing unless you would like to teach at the college level.
If you really want to make an impression on the people you work for, start your own business and hire the people who work for them to work for you! It takes balls to start your own company and you can cry all you want about the recession/depression, I know many people who have done well and are doing well in this economy.
Be careful writing a book. Some companies have written policies saying that they own any creative work you do while you are employed by the company. Even if you are working on it in your own time at home. Also, since it sounds like people are out to get you, be careful that there aren't any notes or any signs that you may have been working on it in the office or they may claim some sort of stake in the finished product.
I think the matter of pursuing a degree needs to be thought of carefully.
I have a Masters Degree and have more certifications than anyone in the corporation yet the thing that keeps me employed is my trouble shooting skill which was learned OTJ.
I would look carefully at your goals, if you intend to stay employed in the technical field, certification will probably have a higher ROI than a Masters or Doctorate.
If you plan to teach in the Future, a Doctorate is probably required but will the cost of a Doctorate pay off in the long run?
I was thinking of going back to college and finishing up a degree in Psychology I started years ago, but when I looked at the salary range of Counselors I decided that the investment would not pay off in the long run.
Just My 2 Cents.
SP - we must be cut from the same cloth! As you know I have my Masters Degree as well as several computer certifications.
But dispite my certifications and advance degree I am continually ignored by my employer. They even placed me in a LOWER position because, as I have been told by others, I am considered a threat to management. I also have more certifications than most other departments!
What we have is an extreme case of the Bozo Explosion (look it up). Everyone else acts in fear and management uses me to set an example!
Some co-workers have approached me, asking me that if I ever leave and in a hiring position (management) to think of them. I tell you SP, I could walk away with 20 computer people!
As to our management, co-workers have told me that management think that they are infallible and act "god-like." Others, who don't know that I know, have mentioned that "management are idiots" and "egocentric." These are NOT my words but theirs.
I already have a BS in comp sci (and a BA in business -- this degree was worthless in my field of work). I have been thinking about my career and perhaps doing something different. I like programming but I've really thought about the BS I have to deal with a lot. I was thinking of doing an MBA in international business. I get to travel, work in business, which IMO, is a lot less taxing than programming in C or Python, and maybe get out more.
I am just tired of the BS in the tech field and the pressures of outsourcing and H1B. Maybe I should switch roles and be the bloodsucking, ambitious MBA guy who ships jobs to India or China because it increases the ROI of capital expenditures by 4%. :-)
Seriously, I've thought a lot about doing an MBA, and not the evening ones - there aren't any good part-time MBA programs around here except UC Berkeley and that is almost impossible to get into.
I am thinking of foregoing a house purchase and instead putting the savings to pay for 2-3 years of not working and paying for tuition for an MBA program instead. I had a coworker at my last job who just quit, sold his house and almost everything he had and moved him and his wife to go to business school in London. He had to live off savings and was poor but now he's doing very well.
Maybe I should do that too. I'm thinking of schools in Chicago, New York, Kentucky, or South Carolina. What a culture shock that's going to be -- I've never lived outside of California since I was 9!
Bonus - I would still find a way to get a graduate degree regardless! I read an article that B.S. (and B.A.) degrees are a dime a dozen now and that becuase of the poor economy people are going back for their Masters.
I would advise you to find the school you WANT to get into and fins out what OTHER schools classes are accespted into the one you want. In this mannor you may get a head start.
This is my thinking about the Doctorate Degree ... I would need three letters of recommendations. If I asked my BIG boss for a reference (beside purposely trying to freek them out!) and he refuses then I know where I stand at work. Furthermore, if he DOES write one for me that it may serve as a letter of recommendation when I leave!
To paint a better picture of how it is where I work. Think of it as school. I graduated with a Masters Degree a couple of years back. In school terms, I would have normally gone from teaching High School and been moved up to teaching undergrad college or Masters level classes. Instead my employer decides to place me teaching Kindergarten School. THAT is how LOW my employer is in treating people!
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Today I had a run into the MOST STUPID action of TIME WARNER ever, that they are plenty!!!!
I needed my account number to pay my bill. I was in the office and I could not get through the automated billing service without the account number. I acted like a civilized man who lives in a civilized culture and called Customer Service. The girl needed my account number to give me my account number. I explained to her how STUPID this is, and she said this is the regulations. I begged, pleaded, asked, yelled, and no way, she needed my account number to give me my account number. I asked if she understands modern-days' logic, and she said yes, but she needed my account number to give me my account number because it is the regulations. I told her that this in not National Lampoon and she can ask me any question, such as date of birth, address, or any other information, and she said that she needs my account number to give me my account number because it is the regulations. I tried telling her that in non-civilized cultures humans and close-to-humans would have mire brains than that, I need my account number so I can pay my bill. She said that she needs my account number to give me my account number because it is the regulations. I asked her how does TIME WARNER hire people? How do they make these regulations? If people need their account numbers they should get them. Customer service basics says so. She said that she needs my account number to give me my account number because it is the regulations. I asked her to take a break, walk around the block, smoke a cigarette (or a joint as it so happened with the guy who writes regulations for TIME WARNER), so she can relax, then it might dawn on her: If I had the account number there would be no need for me to ask for it. She said that she needs my account number to give me my account number because it is the regulations. I asked to speak t a supervisor, she said she needs the account number so I could speak to a supervisor. I asked if she would be kind enough to mail me the bill (my bills stopped coming in the mail). She said she needs the account number to start mailing me the bills. I said How would I know the account number if you are not mailing it to me. She said she needs my account number so she can verify why the bills are not coming to me. And finally she said she will talk to a supervisor. She put me on hold listening to ugly stupid ads about how WONDERFUL service is at TIME WARNER for a while. She came back, apologized for the wait, and said (Ready for this???) that she needs my account number to give me my account number because it is the regulations.Read 7 Replies | Add a ReplyComments:Close Replies
Sounds like her little brain is stuck in a program loop and needs to be rebooted!
Sorry but I would have gotten her name/enployee number (probably need your account number for that as well), hung up and called again to get someone else!
By Sympathetic reader:
Cut and paste this post. Send it online to www.timewarnercable.com. Tell them how you will disconnect your service. They will find you.
I disagree and I can speak from the viewpoint of someone who RECENTLY had his credit card hijacked and had over $1500 worth of bogus charges run up.
The person taking the call was probably under STRICT orders not to deal with anyone without an account number.
It is possible someone could call with enough information (except account number) to say "I am Jane Doe" and then ask "Oh yeah, what card number did I use last time?"
I also called Time Warner a few months ago and asked them to reset my password for my WEBEMAIL and they also refused even though I could give the same info.
It was maddening but after getting my credit card hijacked, I am glad they are that strict.
Gosh SP! That sucks! I can see how you appreciate the need for sensitive information. I hope this doesn't eat into your christmas!
HAD - Fortunately I don't have to pay for the bogus charges since I caught it but what is annoying is I have to go through several sheets of paperwork checking off charges as "bogus or real".
It is interesting how this worked, apparently there were a few "1 Dollar" charges on a bill from a few months ago that I overlooked.
That is how "they" start, they test you by charging a measly dollar to see if you catch it and then start charging larger dollar items.
Apparently, this person got greedy and charged $100 items which set off alarms.
Fortunately no more damage was done as it was caught early.
By Sphincter Detector:
Buddy, I wanna feel bad for you but I am too busy laughing! LOL.. I thougth I was having a bad day! Shake it off :)
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With the holidays and the downturn in the economy, etc. I figure it is time to lighten up and share some boss jokes.
At a company, the Big Dog dropped in for a tour of the facility. The Big Dog asked the company tour guide "How many managers work here?" The guild replied "About half!"Read 1 Replies | Add a ReplyComments:Close Replies
I use to have a boss that always wanted to go out in the parking lot with the team to play "catch and throw"... Just one of his many entertaining catch phrases... ;-)
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Hey Jobschmobbers, lets spread a little humor today. Imagine the worst case scenario when you interview with a company and they share an outrageous benefit which lets you know you are in the wrong place.
This is based on a scenario which once happened to me. I interviewed for a job as a programmer and was told that all looked good, I would be making base salary and would be given a key to the building. When I asked why I would need a key I was told so I could come in on weekends! I asked why would I do that for (pitiful salary)$? I was told 'that's just normal, we work 60 hours a week here!'
I told the interviewer: Not for THAT salary!
Anyway, let me get this started:
You know you are interviewing with the wrong company when:
#1: The benefits package includes free yearly stress tests.
#2: The company vending machine stocks prozac.
Add your own!Read 20 Replies | Add a ReplyComments:Close Replies
The company's front door is a revolving door.
You get trampled by the stampeding of employees rushing out the door (at 5:00 o'clock SHARP)!
no one gets together outside of work
the bathroom is always full of people hiding-out
someone spikes the water cooler
The HR department gives you the name of the company doctor...Jack Kevorkian..
The introductory video suggests watching all of the customers very closely because "anyone with an opportunity to steal, will always steal from you." (True Story)
They make you take multiple personality tests along with the basic skills tests.
The Front Desk Administrator is wearing a T-Shirt that says "Property Of [State Name] Prison System"
Authorized to use deadly force at the doorway (true story).
Upon entering the front lobby, there's a sign listing the corporate values. Third is something that goes like "We trust and value our employees"
Then going out, there's a sign that says that all employees leaving work are subject to search of their personal belongings.
Oh, this happened just recently, when I was interviewing at a lot of companies in the Silicon Valley.
At one company, a future coworker said "We don't have an American work environment. We have an Indian work environment here."
My response was "Well, thanks for your time" and I walked out the door. He was the 1st interviewer out of 8 that were planned that day.
You approach the building for the interview to find it covered by cameras that follow your every move, after you pass the uptight security guard who has to page three times to talk to the person who invited you there. You find there's a security lock on the front door that requires you to be buzzed in, and it doesn't work, nor do the lobby lights; they're burnt out, but by God the security people know where you are now. You finally get someone to open the broken door and they look like the Bride of Frankenstein with a hangover. Every boss you see looks like a GQ cover, or out-on-the-town pimp, or some hippie freak; every worker looks like the walking dead. You pass by buckets in the hallway, dripping some kind of black watery goo, and there are repairmen in there working on some broken equipment. This is where I work, by the way.
You know you are interviewing with the wrong company when:
The boss keeps a full loaded Super-Soaker in his desk drawer - to which he uses to shoot emloyees! (true story)
By dontask 0:
You know that you are interviewing with the wrong company as soon as you pull in the parking lot while a car alarm is screeching, the thief is still at it and security is looking the other way. Keep going job seeker.
As soon as you walk in the building the Angel of Death starts following you around.
By dontask 0 :):
And the angel of death comes with a security uniform and a gun?
The workplace comes with a dungeon.
When your potential employer plays music like "Stairway to Heaven" backwards because it puts him in the spirit (or is that 'put the demon in him?')
When HR and every one who interviews you keeps telling you that this company is the best place to work.
When you have a private briefing and find out just how bad the economy really is....
When they declare a 'welcome cake' and a birthday cake as a perk of being with the company.....
The guy interviewing you only does it over the phone and then on your first day of work you follow another employee into the building who is drinking from a 40oz malt liquor bottle - at 7am. True.
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