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Rev. Ken U. Belevit
Rev. Belevit, Chaplain of the Damn the Man Army, speaks the truth to guide us all through the work day. Amen and Hallelujah!
The Great Escape
Greetings and Salutations to those who are faithful believers in the Gospel of Jobschmob and welcome to the Holy Temple of the Damn the Man Army.
Today, we read from the 43rd chapter, 16th verse of the Gospel of Jobschmob "The Great Escape". Today's sermon is for those of us who are ready to "Quit the Box". Here are some ways to escape the 3rd level of Hell known as employment that will leave a lasting impression.
When the day comes that you're finally ready to tell your tormentors to go back to Hell where they came from, walk in with one of those high-tech, super powered squirt guns in your briefcase (make sure this is on the day of the "ass-chewing" meeting). Wait 'til an extremely important part of the "all of you suck" meeting and unload a couple of gallons of the natural spring water (that your boss asks you to pick up for him\her on your own time) right on the back of their pointy, little head. If you're lucky, maybe a couple of hair plugs will fly off or you'll get to see a gallon of melting Maybelline make-up puddling on the floor (kinda reminds you of "wicked witch", doesn't it?).
Here's one for ya. Walk in wearing your most casual, morning after, clean the garage clothes. You know which one's I'm talking about. The baggy sweat pants that have a large hole in the left butt cheek, the faded 1999 R.E.M. world tour t-shirt, the crappy Nike's with the shoe laces torn off and your favorite faded Indigo ball cap. Don't shave or wear make-up (what ever the case may be), brush your teeth, or shower that day. Slap on a little Colt 45 cologne and walk straight into the boss's office, put your feet on his desk and say, "You know....I've worked here for (_) years and I've come to realize that you are the biggest backstabbing, brown-nosing, cut-throat, abusive, philandering moron I know. By the way, who did you have to blow to get this position?" Then make your way to the exit before security can catch you. Remember to have a new job, all your stuff from your cube and your paycheck deposited.
Get to work a couple of hours early ( be sneaky and make sure no-one sees you) and start switching the cables in the office between cubicles. Take all the cables from your computer and plug it into the computer in the next cubicle, you know, that kind of thing. Loosen the plugs on all of the phones just to where it looks like they are connected, but really aren't. Sneak into the I.T. room and reset all of the servers, then leave work and arrive with the rest of the inmates. Wait a couple of weeks to turn in your notice and put a note on it somewhere that you can't work in conditions where someone would be so malicious as to mess with all the office equipment.
Last, but not least, park in the boss's parking space, go to his office and sit behind his desk before he arrives. When he comes into his office say (with your best poker face) "I'm sorry (boss's name), but you've been released from your responsibilities here and I've been promoted to this position. I'm afraid I'm going to have to call security and have you escorted out of the building." While he's sprinting for the elevator to go "upstairs" to find out what the hell's going on, lay your 2 weeks notice on his desk and make your way to freedom. Be prepared to "high-five" a butt-load of hands on the way out.
Thanks for attending services this morning and always remember that The Rev. is always on your side here at Jobschmob.
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Disclaimer: Obviously "The Rev" is not an ordained minister of any kind and is not affiliated with any church or place of worship. The Rev. Ken U. Belevit persona is done in satire and jest strictly for JobSchmob.com.
JobSchmobber Community Comments
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maddad (04/17/2006) |
O.M.G. this is outrageous. Wish I could leave my job like that.
Or make copies of your butt and e-mail them to the corporate officers.